Purge

It’s been awhile since I penned (typed out?) down my thoughts so that I can assess my feelings.

Worry not, whoever that lurks around here. This does not concern you nor does it aim to disrupt the peace inside your mind whatsoever. In fact, I’m doing this for the sole purpose of bringing myself some contentment.

Chatting with my sister a couple of days ago made me realise that the last time everything felt ‘right’ was during my eldest sister’s engagement ceremony. Where all of us were clad in matching grey baju kurungs and baju melayus (for our other halves). Recalling how the day went, I cant deny that at one moment, what went though my mind was ‘this is it. This will be my family in 5 years time. These people, this feeling. I want this.’ 

And that was true, at one point in time. But that was 6 months ago. Come February, everything changed. I’m afraid I’m not the person I was back then. She seemed so.. Foreign. Happy, yes. But perhaps she didn’t know how drastically things would change for her, what more at the last stretch of her degree life.

Oh, how things have changed. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and stop myself from deciding what I did, just so things could be a little simpler for me. For us. 

But what I wish the most was that you didn’t react the way you did throughout the whole process. The aftermath was so so messy, and things were said, things you could never take back. Things that scarred me to this day. Things that made me realise that no matter how much you claimed to love me, you never treated me right and that I deserve so so much better than someone who calls me a whore every time he’s mad.

I may not be as happy as I was before but I’m glad to say that at least I know what I deserve now. And what I deserve now is time to heal, to be completely okay with who I am without having someone breathing down my neck, telling me to change at every curve and turn.

I must admit, entering a new phase of my life without you is difficult. Heck, going through exam week was tough, considering how we would always bounce ideas with each other and help understand concepts that weren’t easy to digest. Yes, those are undeniable. But I have to get through them without you. Because now is the best time, more than ever, to learn to live without you. 

Don’t worry about me, as I will not worry about you (I’m lying but let’s just pretend, shall we?) as I’ll still keep my goals in check. I still want to be amazing at what I do and after everything that I went through, I’ll be damned if I let myself sabotage the potential that I have from everything I’ve built within these four years.

recaption:

2008: wow I was so stupid last year

2009: wow I was so stupid last year

2010: wow I was so stupid last year

2011: wow I was so stupid last year

2012: wow I was so stupid last year

2013: wow I was so stupid last year

2014: wow I was so stupid last year

2015: wow I was so stupid last year

2016: wow I was so stupid last year

2017: wow I was so stupid last year

2018: wow I was so stupid last year

to be continued

(via understands)

pigmenting:

sometimes i forget how many times i’ve picked myself off the floor, how many times i’ve washed away smudgy makeup and put myself to bed. how many times i’ve said no to something unhealthy. said yes to something good. how many times i’ve treated myself with kindness and patience. i forget how many times i’ve tended to wounds and made peace with my own anger. if i was taking care of a body that was not my own, i’d believe i was doing everything i could. so here’s to remembering that i’m doing the best i can.

(via season3avatrice)